Who am I?

Last night I watched the movie "Dazed and Confused" after seeing that it was part of the Criterion Collection. Criterion lends their name to some great films such as "Brazil" and "seven Samurai" so I figured it would be a quality film. "Dazed and Confused is a story about different groups of teenagers on the night of the last day of school. In this film, two freshmens, a guy and a girl, are introduced into the High School world which they will be entering into in the fall. And that world seems to be full of parties with drugs alcohol.

This film made me think about the kind of person I am and who I want to be. There are time when I really want to be someone who fits into crowds like that. Someone who drinks and drinks and drinks, maybe a little drugs... enough to get wasted and have some fun.

I've been to parties before, rarely, and I am usually sober and clean when I go. It's not very fun being sober and clean at parties. I don't fit in, its hard to understand what people are doing, I get too concerned about people who are completely smash and need to get some sleep... I wonder if it would be any different if I were drunk at those parties. I think I would need to BE someone else in order to go to parties like that and enjoy myself.

I don't do drugs because I know it's bad for me and I don't drink much at all because it costs too much and I don't go to parties because I wasn't invited. Instead I stay home and sit at my computer, surfing the web, playing video games, or watching movies... all week long and all alone. It's like I am inside my own little prison cell and none of my peers gives a damn enough to visit me. Especially during the week, I never do anything fun during the weekI don't go bowling, don't go out for dinner, no concerts, no dancing (I don't mind that though, I have two left feet.) no playing in the park, or even hanging out...

I know that my parents do love me and care for me and they do ask me out to dinner often. But I am 25 dammit! I ought to doing be dinner with people my own age. I'm grateful for what they do for me but it makes me feel too dependant on my parents if I went out to dinner with them every time they offered (about 3 times a week).

Anyways, whatever fuelled this rant is spent and I need to go to work... my last day of work for this summer, woohoo.